Killing Bindweed

If Christian Grey were a plant, he'd be bindweed. Deeply twisted and into bondage.

And if Fifty Shades of Grey were a plant, it would be...bindweed. Crap and fast-spreading.

I haven't read the whole novel let alone the whole series - a quick skim of several pages was enough for me to make a snap judgment. I wish I had done the same with the Twilight series, but no. I had to do some research on the character. Luckily, there are whole wiki pages devoted to the Christian Grey character.  Of course there are.

Twining up the daisies: "You will be mine!"

Like so many evil plants, bindweed looks innocent enough. A member of the morning glory family, this delicate little vine with white blooms sidles up to any shy nearby plant and twirls daintily around it.  You'd be tempted to let it grow, let it grow. No. Don't do it because you'll soon realize that you can't hold it back any more.

Bindweed, or Convolvulis arvensis, is the enemy. I'll just call him Christian, ok?  Check any gardening message boards for tips on how to get him out of your garden and you'll see helpful hints about the use of "napalm" or suggestions to "just move out" or "go ahead and die; that weed will outlive you." Christian is a survivor. Yank him out of the ground, he'll grow back with double the power. Dig him up, he'll defy you with his roots that can sink over 9 feet (some sources say 40!) into the soil and can lie in subterranean wait for 20 years. No wonder so many people suggest napalm.

Pull me! Pull me again!

Apparently, there are a few things that work to curb Christian's voracious appetite for bondage and domination of other plants, but none are quick fixes. Pulling does apparently work if you are willing to stay vigilant watching for new growth. We're talking pulling it up every three weeks for three years to cut off any nourishment to its roots. I noticed that Christian reacts to pulling in the same way that Christian Grey reacted to his honey Anastasia defying him - he becomes more aroused. For Christian, arousal looks like this - a flush of hundreds of tiny leaves. As a gardener, I feel like this is the plant giving me the finger: "You dare to pull me from the ground? Really? You thought I was bad before? Look at THIS (plant proceeds to shoot up 5,000 new leaves as sign of defiance.)

all up in the club

This clearly rules out the option of tilling. Even a small piece of root can develop into a new plant. Heed my advice here, or you'll soon find that your garden is one big S&M club with all your flowers and vegetables being choked into submission. My neighbors across the alley are promoting this kind of obscenity. Every time I take out the trash, I'm tempted to plan a midnight guerrilla weed-warfare mission.


I don't know about you, but I don't know if I have the discipline to keep pulling and pulling each time Christian shows his face in my garden. Weeding has helped keep the bindweed under control enough that it hasn't choked out all the other plants, but I really do want it gone. The problem is that it's hard to find the new growth because Christian is one sneaky plant. One day you'll see no sign of him then the next he's party-boying a poor unsuspecting stem in a mosh pit of Shasta daisies. It would be hard to keep up with pulling him repeatedly off his many "girlfriends" or "submissives" when he's so...busy. I do pull the small ones when I see them and try to stay on top of the problem. In my view, though, pulling isn't effective enough on its own.

That is why this summer I chose chemical warfare. I know that I should avoid that. I should do things the organic way, the natural way. Like many of you, I've seen pins on Pinterest about vinegar being a magical natural weed killer. It may work on some lesser opponents, but it won't work on Christian. His roots are too deep and twisted, and according to my research, vinegar would just knock back the top growth and leave the roots alone ready to strike again.

Apparently the best type of herbicide to use on Christian is anything that is glyphosate-based. The most popular brand is Round-Up. The trick is getting the Round-Up onto Christian as he's embracing his girlfriends (neighboring plants.) You can't let any overspray get on more desirable plants, or they'll die too. And they'll likely be knocked out permanently, unlike Christian who will need repeated applications of herbicide to knock him out.

Take that! 

Here's what I've done to try to wipe him out in my flowerbeds. I mix up a bit of Round-Up concentrate with water- following the package directions. OK, not quite according to the directions. I admit that I mix it up stronger because I want those weeds DEAD.  I paint the mixture onto the plant with a small sponge brush that I keep in my garden shed just for this purpose. My goal is to have all the weapons on hand so that I can attack whenever necessary.

There is research online about fall being the best time to kill Christian or that humid days are best or that it's best to wait until he flowers. In my experience, waiting for the perfect conditions for anything is just asking to fail. Waiting for perfection is my main reason for procrastination and is just a recipe for problems getting waaaayyy out of hand. I figure that whatever I do will be better than letting the enemy advance. I know I must do whatever it takes to keep him from flowering and multiplying further.

The "fighter" 2 days after Round-Up

I've made some headway in my fight this summer. I wiped out all the bindweed coming up along the fence between my neighbor's house and my flower beds. I've destroyed all of it in the sections of red landscaping rocks that still plague my existence. And I've decreased it greatly in my flower beds.

As an experiment, I plan to use some wooden skewers to mark a couple that I've pulled and a couple that I've painted with Round-Up. I'll let you know what was more effective over the long haul.

I know I'm not finished and that there will be sequels to this story. I hope I don't have to experience Fifty Shades Darker and that eventually I get to Fifty Shades Freed. Someday, I tell myself, I'll be free of Christian and his control of my flowerbeds. And if there's hope for me, there may be hope for you too. I'll keep you posted, and if you have any tips in fighting this persistent enemy, let me know.